Final Four

It’s getting down to the wire and the judges are situated as Peaches emerges from the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Looks like Peaches has parted his hair on the other side this week.  The Fox intern must have had to send the cryogenic tank out for a good cleanin’.

The final four come out and James almost takes a powder because he steps on the back of Lauren’s dress.  Why on earth they have Lauren dressed in drapery is beyond me.  It’s way too much fabric for her to carry off.

Lady Gaga is our mentor this week and they will sing songs that inspire them.  Oy vey, this could be really awkward.  Thank goodness this crazy thunderstorm is over and we did not lose electricity!  I would really have to freak out if I missed the show this week!

James is going to sing “Don’t Stop Believin’.”  James asks if we know this song, well, yes of course we do.  It’s the song that was playing when the series finale of the Soprano’s went “black” and America was left wondering if Tony got whacked or what.  DAWG must be thrilled, but James sounds a bit off tonight.  A bit pitchy DAWG.  A fan in the audience is holding up a poster with some really creepy eyes.  Anyway, let’s see what the judges think…I am not sure if Steven swore or if there was something wrong with the sound, but something was bleeped out and I don’t know what he said.  JHO said “great job” and DAWG loved it because it was his old band.  DAWG loved it!  Maybe my ears are off tonight!  James makes a fish face and we are on to the next performance.

Peaches is touting Steven’s new book and the new Coca Cola cups.  Next up is Haley with “What About Us?” by Michael Jackson.  Haley is on the Hasbro’s slippery steps, junior me starter kit version.  I am not wild about her performance at all, she sounds like she is screaming.  JHO said she could feel the inspiration, but James set the bar.  DAWG agrees emphatically off camera “Hmm, mmm, hmm.”  Stop thinking about Burger King, DAWG.  He keeps it real and tells her all the things he doesn’t like about it.  He agrees that she was screaming and she didn’t deliver.  Haley looks like she wants to stab his eyes out and she argues with the DAWG.  Steven tries to run interference and tells her not to listen to them and a full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ beat-down ensues.  Haley gets lippy and of course, Steven is her cheerleader.  Peaches asks what she is supposed to do with that “concoction of feedback.”  Haley looks like she wants to cry and Peaches offers her some consolation.  Wah wah wah!  Haley comes back to say that she didn’t want to get “emo” on the show, I presume she means “emotional.”  In the meantime, the Fox intern rushes by her to make sure Peaches’ cryogenic tank is back from the cleaners and cooled down to the proper temperature.

Scotty is next with “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?”  The crowd goes wild in light of recent events.  The judges all enjoy it and they seem very somber.  Between the commercials, Scotty says, “People out there really touched me.”  So many jokes, so little time.

Someone needs to come out and shake it up in this bee-otch!  Casey and Paul are in the audience to plug the AI tour.  Little Lauren will perform “Anyway.”  She sounds great, but I am still not over the drapery dress.  If the dress was all one length on the shorter side, it would be fine, but the big long train is overkill.  Steven says she delivered it like “a blue plate special”, he loves the buckles on her shoes and the dress.  JHO says Lauren is listening to their advice and it was a great vocal perf.  DAWG admits he was worried, but says she is back in it to win it!  We are treated to the token shot of Lauren’s mom, Brit Brit.  Lauren says the song means so much to her and she and Peaches share a moment.

Peaches preps for round 2…he calls all the contestants out for a recap and asks JHO who took round 1.  She tap-dances around and doesn’t really answer, the audience screams “James” and saves JHO from having to commit.  DAWG says it’s a tie between Scotty, James, and Lauren.  Haley looks like she wants to cut DAWG up with the shiv that Naima fashioned out of the empty coca cola can.  DAWG says she needs to up her game and she gives DAWG the biggest snot face EVER!  Peaches goes to commercial and Haley is turning away from the camera because she is about to go off the rails.

Well Miss Hay-Hay, gityershitogether and blow the roof off the dump!  JHO is punching DAWG and they say he is being mean.  He’s the new Cowell, what do you expect people???  Peaches introduces the “Music Monster” Lady Gaga.  She is there to “be a friend” to the contestants.  She looks like she fell into the dollar bin at the costume shop three days after Halloween.

Gaga tried to back the banana bus up by asking Haley go bunny boiling psycho with the performance so that it’s not too bland.  Haley says she loves acting, maybe she can snag a gig on the Disney Channel.  She delivers her “theatrical” performance of “I Who Have Nothing” and we get a close up of Haley.  It looks like she is getting some nasty break outs from all of the makeup.  Judges give her a standing O and JHO gives her a mini-lecture about why they are so hard on her.  DAWG says she had a “moment.”  Steven says she just “Reinharted” herself into next week.  Haley got some mad-ass skills when she really uses them.  Peaches brings Haley down to the judges table to they can kiss and make up.  Well, not you Steven, even though you would like to.

Scotty is up next with “Young Blood.”  Lady Caca says he’s “gotta get right into the center of that hot dog.”  He must envision the microphone as his girlfriend.  Hmm…no more Scotty side-eye tonight???  He delivers a bit more personality and he has a little pep in his step.  While the Scotty side-eye has taken a break, it appears to be replaced with Scotty crazy-eye.  He looks like Ramona from the Real Housewives of New York when she strutted down the catwalk.  DAWG says we saw “both sides of a Scotty concert.”  Steven said he made “Gaga’s yaya go lala.”  JHO, bring it back to planet earth please…she wants to see another side of him next week.  Peaches implies that Scotty was flirting with Gaga.  That is just wrong on so many levels.

Little Lauren is back with “Trouble.”  She is grappling with calling herself “evil” in the song.  You and your pure morals Lauren!  Those will go out the window when she gets into the music industry.  Gaga says she was “way too weird” to be on Idol when she was 16.  REALLY????  NO SHIT GAGA!  Not only is Lady Gaga a revolutionary performer, but she amazes me with her mastery of the obvious!  Lauren is all bedazzled in her outfit, but I am not sure why they have her in a Maitre D style jacket.  The outfit made her look a little Vegas loungey and the performance was so-so for me.  Steven loved it and JHO saw another performance quality in Lauren.  Then she says she “lost” her because she went behind her.  What up JHO, apparently the most beautiful woman in the world can’t be bothered to turn around???  Aye Carumba!  DAWG said she was workin’ it and gave her “big ups.”

James wraps up the show with “Love Potion No. 9.”  Gaga is trying to get James to gyrate, or as Bruno Tonioli would say “move those hips like a piston.”  James makes his way down the slippery steps and he’s rockin’ out.  He runs around in the audience a bit, but I don’t really see the hip action he was supposed to give us.  Oh well, still a good James performance.  Steven seems a bit subdued tonight, like a sleepy sea turtle, as if they didn’t put quite enough tranquilizer in the blow dart.  JHO says he can sing anything, DAWG says he is peaking at the right time.

Sidebar:  Steven has got to do something with his hair.  He is the victim of a low flow shower head or something.  He needs some bounce in his coif.

Peaches urges us to vote and reminds us this was the week that Daughtry went home.  Looks like tomorrow’s results show is chock full o’ shameless plugs.

Peaches gives the serious introduction of our Final Four.  Our judges enter and it looks like Steven is semi-awake tonight.  Peaches comes out with his hi-pro-glo.  The creepy eyelash James fan poster is back in the crowd.  We get a quick recap of the performances and we move on to the duets.  The guys sing first and James gets some lovin’ from his wife in the audience.  The girls sing second and they actually do very well.  They sound good and they finally have Lauren dressed very cool and not so “toddlers-n-tiaras.”  Lauren does the heavy metal hair flips and Haley looks like she just came from a beach BBQ.

Windows 7 gets a plug so the contestants can connect via video to their loved ones.  Wah wah wah, let’s get to the point.  The golden stools are waiting, although now they are not stools of death, but they are for the top three.  Lauren takes stool #1.

Now the contestants cuddle in to “allegedly” watch a DVD of Lady Gaga singing the song that Haley sang last week and bombed out on.  Gaga looks like a Xeroxed copy of Madonna after being dipped in whiskey and thrown in a crack pipe.  She is playing her piano in the Jersey Turnpike position, oh now she is squatting, what in the hell is this f*ckery?  Some of her songs are kitschy, but she is clearly from planet Absolutelyfuckingnuts.

Sidebar:  I found this out from another blog that I read, I will quote… “Most of the time Lady Caca hobbles around in the same ridiculous no-heel footwear f*ckery, but last night she showed up to mentor the remaining American Idol contestants wearing dick more costly than Calvin Klein’s side piece.”

If you want to see a picture, JFGI (Just Freakin’ Google It – Lady Gaga penis shoes), it’s all over the internet.

The heels are a pair of Lucite dildos and the Fox censors put the AI logo over her heels.  Funny, I thought the heels looked strange when I watched the show last night.  Anyhoo…these batshit crazy kicks retail for over $4,500.00.  Hey shoes that double as a sex toy?  I would say it’s a GD bargain for Gaga.  At least the Lucite can’t contract Hepatitis C.

OYOYOY, next we watch Enrique crowd surf, then Peaches jumps off the stage and falls into the crowd trying to hit a beach ball.  Now the Ford video…blah blah blah.  I am so over this, I just want to know who is booted already.  Jordin Sparks gives us a visit with her new song “I am Woman.”  I entertain this for a few moments, but I am quickly over it, this song and performance was a bit too Brit Brit for my taste.  Thank goodness again for DVR.

Next we get to see the new Steven Tyler video “It Feels So Good.”  OMG, is that a monkey wit’ a wig on???  How chachtastic!  The dark haired girl toward the end of the video looks like former Pussy Cat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger.  JFGI…it is her, I guess she needs something to do before her hosting gig on the “X Factor” starts.  Steven has gone completely commercial.  Crampa knows where his bread be buttered.

Haley takes golden stool #2.  Could my prediction be correct?  Is this the end of the road for Scotty?  James looks like he wants to chunder from down under.  HOLYMUTHERFREAKINSHITBALLZ, James is out and Scotty takes golden stool #3.  I feel terrible, the judges are mortified.  James gives his wife the “It’s OK!”  Wow, I am really surprised.  Well the good news is he gets to go home to his wife and son, he will likely be signed, and he will have the freedom to record the kind of music he wants to.

JHO is weeping and James says he did everything he came to do.  He sings us out and there’s not a dry eye in the house, including this one.  Well except for my dog, he’s tearin’ the ass out of his new toy, no clue that our favorite singer just got da’ boot.  So it’s possible that my other favorite, Little Lauren could take this competition.  We shall see what next week brings.

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