The final five will perform and they are ready to get to da’ bidness. No grand entrance, no Hasbro’s slippery steps, judges are seated, and we are locked, cocked, and ready to rock!
There is a poster being held up in the audience saying “I *heart* the Seacrest side-part”. Is that what looks different about Peaches lately? I thought he was dying his hair with Grecian formula or that spray paint stuff you see on TV at 3 a.m.
Sidebar: Steven Tyler kept saying “Hi Dad”. After I JFGI (just freakin’ googled it), I found out that Steven was supposed to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner and he had cancelled to be with his 95 year old ailing father, Victor Tallarico. He was just givin’ dad a shout out…what a good son!
Peaches says it’s an important night and DAWG gives his “in it to win it” come to Jesus speech. Each will sing two songs, Sheryl Crow is the mentor this week. I have always liked her, so I am glad to see her coaching our precious peeps.
James starts with “Closer to the Edge”. I thought he sounded pretty good, but not my favorite performance of his. Let’s confer with our judges…Steven says he’s “ready for Freddie” and JHO is feelin’ it. DAWG says he’s in it to win it and Peaches says he brought out the “full monty”.
Next we have Jacob Lusky Stank signing “No Air”. Peaches asks him if he still feels like an underdog as he gently touches Stank’s arm. He has some goofy dance moves, I think he pulled out the “sprinkler”. You know the one where he points his arm out straight and then moves it back and forth in these sharp, jerky movements, simulating the movement of those little rotating, pulsating sprinklers. Sorry Stank…I predict you may still be on that banana peel. JHO wants to know who he is, DAWG sh!t cans the whole perf, telling him he is going in the wrong direction. He tells Stank to be the “new Luther”. All Stank can do is nod enthusiastically. Okay we get it, Luther sang POP songs. He tries to sass DAWG a bit and Peaches concludes the “battle of the network stars”.
Little Lauren is singing “Flat on the Floor” by Carrie Underwood. I am not sure why they are singing songs by former Idol winners. Big shoes to fill, big shoes. She sounds great, but again, everyone in the wardrobe department needs a good ol’ fashioned beat down bitch slappin’. She has this ropey, metallic, fringe around her waist. Lauren is young, but she has curves, why, why, why would they dress her like carwash equipment? JHO is rockin’ out givin’ da’ stank face, it must be good! DAWG loves it and Steven thinks she’s “it”. Peaches agrees, JHO’s face during the perf “said it all”!
Sidebar: I rarely watch commercials thanks to DVR, but I did see the Wal-Mart commercial where the two little girls were putting the anti-aging cream on their grandpa’s face with a rubber spatula while he was sound asleep…now that was kinda funny!
Our Scotty fix is up next with “Gone”. I do like to see him a bit more upbeat and different. Wow, if you were playing a drinking game where you had to drink every time the backup girls sang the word “Gone”, you would be tore up from the floor up by the end of the song! JHO is busting, she loves it. Again, her reaction says it all. Steven says he “danced with the devil” and it showed another side of him. JHO gives a gushing review and DAWG said he felt like he was at a concert and he rocked it. Peaches is all atwitter, they are all in it to win it!
Haley is going to sing an unreleased GaGa song called “You and I”. They break out the Hasbro slippery steps for Miss Haley. She’s a little raunch, a little hooker on the third shift, or the bartender at the topless club during lunch hour on a Monday. But I digress, JHO is not to sure that Jimmy gave her the best advice with the song. Haley looks like she wants to punch JHO in the throat with an open fist. DAWG agrees and said it didn’t “do her any favors”. Once again, Steven has to be the icing on her cake and say nice things to make Haley happy.
James is back with “Without You”. He has a break down, but this could be a break through. We may be treated to the softer side of his voice. Kick ass James, Kick freakin’ ass! James crying, DAWG tells him the comp is “yours to lose”, Steven loves it, but sorta pitchy, JHO loves it also and says he is a “true artist”. Peaches is going to usher James off to the hyperbaric chamber to calm his arse down.
Lusky Stunk is going to sing “Love Stinks Hurts”. His voice is too high, he really belongs on Broadway. I have to say it now, I think Jacob may be eliminated this week. Whadda ya’ know, Sir Anthony Hopkins (a.k.a. Hannibal Lecther) is in the audience. The judges are giving him good commentary and Jacob looks like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup. There is no reaction or emoting from Jacob, it’s weird. Did they shoot his face up with botox? Oh wait, he gives the DAWG a smile.
Little Lauren will be singing “Unchained Melody”. I thought Simon Cowell put an embargo on this song years ago. Oh well, when the cat’s, away the mice will play…or maybe we should say when the panther in the extra small baby gap sweater with moobs (man-boobs) is away…the contestants will sing whatever the hell they want! It starts out a little slow, Lauren is going to have to pull something out of her toddlers-n-tiaras weave, and quick! If Cowell were here, you bet his eyes would be rolling in the back of his head and he would give it the “pageanty” kiss of death. I bet DAWG pulls out a “safe” or a “boring”. JHO says “nothin’ to judge here”, oy…translation = move along folks, nothing to see here. DAWG actually likes it, calls it a “tender moment”. Steven loves it of course.
Sidebar: Steven seems to have lost a bit of his edge. He was much more entertaining during the auditions. He needs to say something other than “that was beautiful”, we get it Stevie, crack out your thesaurus and find some more colorful language.
Scotty is back with “You Were Always on my Mind”. Okay Scottie, time to pull out da’ big guns. The Fox intern didn’t do a very good job tucking in the cord to his ear piece. It’s flappin’ in da’ wind on Scotty’s right side. How distracting. Scotty pulls it off, and Sheryl Crow predicts a future for him regardless of the outcome of the competition. JHO says he showed well-roundedness and DAWG D Diddy Money says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Steven said it was “perfect”. Peaches asks Scotty’s Purerto Rican G’ma what she thinks, but all she said was “he’s my Scotty”. Now that was insightful! Just kiddin’ g’ma!
Haley is back with “The House of the Rising Sun”. Haley emerges from the smoking stage, she is all sultry and seductive. Something tells me she has Steven’s full attention. She gets a standing O from all three judges. DAWG gives her best perf of the night and says she “blossomed”. JHO and Steven agree, looks like the pissed offed-ness from earlier paid off.
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and we are on to the results…
Enter our esteemed judges…JHO is wearing a bubble skirt that looks like an inflated hefty bag. Peaches descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps looking exactly the same as he did last night. Well his hair is a little higher, but that isn’t going to help his case. Peaches makes a shameless plug for Steven’s new book, all the while Steven is totally ignoring Peaches because he is writing out his grocery list…baby oil, bird seed, osteo-flex. But I digress…Peaches is just churning out the plays on words, “this book is not for the faint of heart, you’ve really exposed yourself here.” Off-camera, you can hear DAWG go “WHAT?!?!” Peaches asks “is there any area you haven’t touched?” Oh for the love of all that is good and descent Peaches, cut the shit.
Peaches moves on to JHO, who is performing tonight and we get a sneak peek of her new video. Then Peaches humors DAWG by saying he is having a bake sale in Tarzana this weekend.
Our final five perform the group number and I am convinced more than ever that Jacob needs to pack his bags. If he doesn’t go, gummi bears will fly at the television tonight. Now we go through the shameless Ford plug, and now Chef Gordon Ramsey is testing their cooking skills. Way to plug Hell’s Kitchen, Fox. Gordon calls Haley’s omelet “a bit pitchy” and he “pitches” it in the trash. He tells Jacob his omelet looks like a plate of vomit, James’ food is as hard as a rock, he likes Lauren’s dish, and finally, he spits Scotty’s in the trash. Har har har…we get the joke…cute. Can we just move on…?
Next we get a little bit about how they pick the songs, and a shameless plug for the search engine, bing. I swear if they cut out all of this fu*ckery, the show would be 10 minutes long, tops.
Peaches commands the Fox intern to dim the lights, Jimmy Iovine gives James a hit, says he performed at an “8”. Peaches sends him to the other side of the stage. Lauren gets her feedback from Jimmy, he echoed my sentiments on the perf of “Unchained Melody”, it was weak. There is a reason Cowell put the kibosh on that song years ago. Lauren is on the other side of the stage.
Yet another stinkin’ commercial break so JHO can go suit up. We are back in Hell’s Kitchen and they are doing a taste test. When Chef Ramsey feeds Lauren and Jacob tofu, I did have to chuckle, they both looked like they wanted to barf.
DAWG, Peaches, and Steven are in the audience throwing popcorn around and JHO comes out to perform. Now I am completely perplexed…while I appreciate that JHO chose to forgo camel toe pants, I cannot for the love of God figure out why she is wearing hammer pants. They are saggin’ in the crotch like she gotta load in there or something. These pants are a bit of a paradox because from behind she looks like she has an atomic wedgie. Where are the Fashion Police??? There is a serious warrant out for JHO’s stylist.
Now we get to watch JHO’s new video while she changes her clothes. Geez, when did this show become all about her??? She is magically back in place, they must have pre-recorded her dance number. James looks like he is about to stroke out and Lauren looks like she is going to cry. Jacob Lusky Stank is summoned by Peaches to receive his commentary from Jimmy I. Jimmy calls him a “6”, translation = prognosis negative.
Haley is next and Jimmy says she won the night and was a “10”. Peaches sends her over to James, so they are definitely safe. They just have to be. Scotty receives his feedback and Jimmy says he will have an “extraordinary career no matter what”. I concur. Peaches notes that Scotty has never been in the bottom two and he is safe. Peaches ushers him over to Haley and James and they are also safe.
At this point, I have to think that Jacob knows. He is trying to comfort Little Lauren who is a train wreck right now. Peaches is also trying to console her. Finally, we get the word that Jacob is out, justice has been served. We take our little journey down memory lane and Jacob sings us out. The vibe is weird, everyone seems uncomfortable. Peaches pushes the contestants over to go gather round Jacob and say their good-byes.
Poor Jacob, well he can always go back to his spa or enter his tongue in a tractor pull. He gotta big, nasty tongue people, and it looks very strong, I’m just sayin’!