The Lucky 7

Our hosts emerge from the back room.  JHO is wearing some kind of skort outfit made out of a hefty bag.  Peaches floats down the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps and announces our top seven.  The theme is 21st century.  The reject-o girls come out to sing “So What” by Pink.  I really could have done without this whole number.  Then Paul comes out in his Meatloaf suit to sing and he sounds really hoarse.

Sidebar:  I saw Paul on Regis and Kelly the other day and he sang a really awesome acoustic version of “Tracks of My Tears”.

Naima is jumping all over like a whacked out crack ho.  Oh and there it is, the shot of Mark Ballas in the audience who is “allegedly” dating Pia Toscano.  Apparently Pia is going to sing on “Dancing with the Stars” while Mark dances.  People really need to get a hobby, as if Pia would date that biznotch.

Scotty starts out with “Swingin’”.  He comes out giving us an extra dose of “Scotty Side-Eye”.  He also keeps making these weird Chucky eyes.  He does okay, but doesn’t blow my wig off.  DAWG calls him boring and safe.  Agreed…Next…

James is next with “Uprising”.  He is so Adam Lambert it’s not even funny.  He rocks the house in his vicious ensemble and everyone goes ape sh!t.  JHO and DAWG call him the best perf of the night and he’s only number two.  Steven tells him to say out of his closet!  I still like James the best.

Peaches comes in with the littl drummer boys to introduce Haley.  She is going to sing “Rolling in the Deep”.  I am not sure what it is with her, but she looks like she is made of Play-Doh.  What in the 50’s housewife hell is she wearing???  So we have to get back stage and give wardrobe a beat down.  It’s also unusual for Haley not to move and she stands in once place.  I bet she gets knocked for that…She runs back up to the stage to toe the mark and DAWG said it was great.  Steven of course gives a rave review because he is incapable of saying anything negative.  JHO eeks out a half-assed encouraging review.  Haley seems a bit crestfallen this evening.  Maybe those rumors about her and Casey are true and they have had a lovers quarrel!  Yes folks, word on the street is that it’s hormones ahoy for Casey and Haley.

Jacob is going to give us some Luther.  He is singing “Dance with My Father”, which will be very emotional for him.  I sure hope our Lusky “Diva” Stank can pull through.  He does okay, but it’s the same.  DAWG agrees, it just doesn’t make him “jump up and down”.  Please DAWG, stay seated.

Casey is bringing us some Maroon 5, which I kinda wish he wouldn’t, but hey…I don’t make the fries!  Peaches asks Mark “Biznotch” Ballas who his favorite is and he says “Casey”!  Casey picks “Harder to Breathe” and he is not so hot.  The guys on the guitars are rockin’ out and getting into it a bit too much.  Then those background singers, they deliver a periodic “woa woa woa”.  What a gig.  Then Casey skats a bit and says “digga digga digga”.  He ends his perf by invading JHO’s personal space and she turns away from him because she is either very uncomfortable or the kiss from Casey on the cheek is planned.  In the meantime, Haley is backstage watching this, fashioning a shiv out of a guitar pick.  Steven says he’s been trying to do that for four months.  Yea, Dream On Steven, (pun intended).  Steven goes off the deep end and starts swearing, DAWG is clamoring for a time-out.  Peaches comes out in the Abe Lincoln Casey beard, looking like he is fresh from an Amish rake fight and says “the wheels have just fallen off this show”.  Lordy, lordy, I concur!  Silly Peaches, do you not realize what that harsh beard adhesive will do to your money maker?

The judges are having some good wholesome fun now and they have put duct tape over Steven’s mouth, but not for long.

Stefano is next with “Closer” by Neo.  He’s singing a bit intense, it’s a little creepy.  He’s trying to work the hip action, Bruno Tonioli would be so proud.  I like me some Stefano as much as the next gal, but he really belongs in a boy band.  The judges give him a “good job”, translation…bottom 3.

Little Lauren is singing “Born to Fly”, yet again in another very unflattering outfit.  It’s a bit lackluster and Lauren seems to have suffered a confidence set-back.  JHO and DAWG give her a pep-talk.

On to the results…Peaches takes a moment to reflect with the judges.  JHO hopes a girl is not eliminated and Peaches asks Steven if he is going to behave himself.  Yeah Peaches…that’ll happen!

Haley, Lauren, Jacob, and Stefano sing “Soul Sister”.  Why is Haley dressed like a watermelon?  I swear I just do not get some of these outfits.  The number is cheesy along with 6th grade square dancing choreography.

We are treated to yet another commercial break, “So You Think You Can Dance” and “Masterchef” will return.  Remember the good ol’ days when the summer was all re-runs and there was nothing to watch?  Oh well…we return to the show for yet another commercial of sorts, the merciless token Ford plug.

Casey, Scotty, and James sing “Viva la Vida”.  They seem a bit off, like they needed more rehearsal time or something.  OY vey…Peaches announces that Robin Antin choreographed both numbers.  She is the sister of that panty-waist hairdresser Jonathan Antin.  No wonder the dancing was bad.

Casey is safe and Jacob is sent to the stool of death.  After yet another commercial, we are treated to a lackluster performance from former Idol David Cook.  Thank goodness for DVR, Next…David says his mom came along just to meet Steven because he gives her the screaming thigh sweats.  Mom and Stevie hug, and what ensues is a good ol’ fashion’ family grab ass!  What else is new!

Next we have a montage of the idols being allowed some time off to play and have fun.  They get to go to a Dodgers game and meet Tommy Lasorda.  Hmm…no shameless plug for Slim Fast?  Then they go bowling, but Lusky Stank has a better idea.  They go to the spa and all get facials and mani/pedi’s.

Lauren, James, and Stefano face their results.  Poor James must be nervous, his face is twitchin’ like crazy.  Stefano is sent to the stool of death.  Scotty and Haley are summoned and Haley is sent to the stool of death, but WAIT…Peaches calls her back over and she tip-toes in her yellow peep-toes back to safety.

Katy Perry comes out lookin’ like a gimcrack alien, lip synching her arse off.  Way to go Katy.  Don’t you have skid marks to try and remove from your husband’s underwear?

We are ready for the final results, my bet is that Stefano is getting’ his walkin’ papers.  Sho’ ‘nuff right…it was only a matter of time for him.  James looks crushed, they must have been wrestling playmates.  Well, while the Fox intern washes out Stefano’s wrestling singlet, let’s take a walk down memory lane…He closes out the show with his final song and brings JHO to tears.  If lovin’ Stefano is wrong, we don’t wanna be right!  Until next week…

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