Ok what in the hot ass mess in the world is that fabric attached to the bottom of JHO’s dress? Peaches congrats JHO on being named the world’s most beautiful woman. She is very stunning, so I would have to agree. I think Steven has a crush on her.
Paul looks like a deranged Las Vegas pimp in his suit. Why is Will I am not back again? They need to get rid of him because he just keeps giving bizarre advice. Paul is jammin’ out and running around like a crack head, but he does a pretty good job. He is lively, you gotta give him that. That girl on the saxophone was making out with her instrument. It made me feel kinda funny…of course Steven is all over the sax player and he wants Paul’s suit. JHO gives Paul props and DAWG loves him. OMG, I just noticed Paul’s pants were really tight, moose knuckle in da’ house!
Little Lauren is doing a Miley Cirus song “The Climb”. I actually don’t like that song too much, but Jimmy Iovine tells her that she is a way better singer then Miley, which she is. She does a great job, but again, is the wardrobe department tripping on acid? They keep trying to cover her hips and it makes her look bigger and they put her in a hooker corset on top. She kills it and she looks thrilled, the crowd goes nuts. She blew the roof off the dump. Why is DAWG dressed like a nutty professor? Steven really needs to lose the angry bird in his hair. Lauren’s mom is rockin’ a full-blown Jersey Shore style Snooki poof.
Sweet Stefano is up with “End of the Road”. Jimmy Iovine gives him a pep talk and Will I am a Douche is swearing. Does he not know this is a family show, it’s supposed to be good wholesome entertainment? Only Steven is allowed to swear on live TV! Stefano does a great job, but he still needs to work on keeping his eyes open. JHO is bouncing in her chair, DAWG says he slayed it. Steven says he “knows how to milk a song” and JHO says it was “the sh!t”. What is with all the swearing?
Scotty is next with “Across My Heart” and I actually really enjoyed it. I like when he sounds a bit different. He will definitely have a career in country music. Judges love it and DAWG says a “star is born on this stage”.
Casey was up next talking about his gnocchi and meatballs. He started with a Nat King Cole song and then changed his mind to sing “In the Air Tonight” and then went back to “Nature Boy”. That Jimmy Iovine is a real ball buster and he is concerned about the performance. Casey is still making perverted faces and I am not sure about this one. Crowd goes crazy and judges love it. DAWG called it “brilliant”. Steven goes on one of his rants from Mars. Peaches and Casey have their bromance moment and Casey is ready to cry.
Hailey goes with “Call Me”. Who is the random third guy that hangs around the mentors and never says anything? Must be Jimmy’s lackey. Hailey’s dress is a bit too short, she is one move away from having a wardrobe malfunction and showing her cooka. DAWG gave her the “Karaoke Kiss of Death”. Steven of course says something about the dress and comments about looking up her dress. Right now Chris Harrison is stroking out in front of his TV.
Sidebar: There is something wrong about Rob Reiner sitting next to Elvira, Mistress of the dark. That is just something you can’t un-see.
Lusky Stank is next up with “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. Will I am a Crazy Person goes on about corn, corn, corn, and corny. It’s typical Jacob, but I found it to be a bit lackluster. Steven says “Holy Sh!t” and fist pounds the table. JHO had the chills and DAWG likes the “marinate”. He is thinking about his steak again.
James is up with “Heavy Metal”. James gets a little sassy with Jimmy and Will I am a freak. Being the little rebel he is, he goes with the metal song. JHO is groovin’ and DAWG is giving the bobble head of approval. James gets up on the judges table and does some sucking up. DAWG is hollerin’ with his hand in the air and they love it. Steven comments on the lip he gave Jimmy and props for sticking to his guns.
Peaches franticly signs off…on to the results.
JHO is wearing a dress that is making her junk in the trunk show and she turns her back to the camera. Bad move, J, bad move.
We start with a duet by Lauren and Scotty. What kind of hillbilly hell is Lauren wearing? Then we are treated to the gratuitous Ford plug and they are dressed up as zombies.
Haley and Casey do a jazzy duet. The wardrobe department needs to watch Project Runway and learn about fashion. The seams on Haley’s dress make her look hippy and she isn’t. They get a standing O from the judges.
Scotty, Lauren and Casey are safe and Haley is sent to the stool of death.
Rob Reiner makes an appearance and cuts up and thanks them for listening to an “old fat Jew”. His words people, not mine!
Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean perform and there’s some guy shaking some small metal instrument and he’s reeeeeeaaallly into it. Kelly says that Casey is cute and Casey rubs his mobs (man boobs). Peaches says he has to “get right to it” and Kelly says “Just like a man”. Good one, Kelly, good one!
Jacob, Paul, Stefano, and James sing “Sound of Silence”. They actually sound pretty good together. If this gig doesn’t work out, they could be the next boy band. I would have rather heard “Mrs. Robinson” and whadda ya’ know, they deliver. Lusky Stank is doing little kicks now! I don’t know what is up with Steven and who he keeps talking to off to the side. I swear he doesn’t know he is on live TV, but he is on his own planet.
James is safe and he looks like he’s about to faint. Stefano is sent to the stool of death. Poor kid can’t catch a break. Jacob is safe and then Paul is sent to the danger zone stool of death.
Sidebar: Peaches introduces Anita Baker and Chacka Kahn and then goes in for kisses. He’s such a man whore.
Rhianna sings next and there’s acrobats rolling around the floor in smoke. I actually liked the song, I had never heard it before. She gets a standing O from the judges.
Peaches dims the lights and Hailey and Stefano are safe. Paul bites the dust. Steven looks shocked and dismayed and they give him a standing O. We watch his journey and Paul takes a request from JHO for “Maggie May”. Now I’m about to cry, that song was really sweet. You could have poured that performance on a waffle. Well, I will go dry my tears and I’ll be back next week.