Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It’s Rock-N-Roll week and Steven gets to be in the spotlight by showing us a few things from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  They had this really creepy looking bust of Steven and he gave it a kiss…whatevs freak!

The top nine are ready to roll and we start with Lusky Stank with “Let’s Get it On”.  Oh wait, he changes his mind and he will sing “Man in the Mirror” instead.  Judges love it and Steven looks like he finally washed his hair.  DAWG is proud of Stank and he finally found his “Jacob moment”.

Haley is going to sing “Piece of My Heart”, so we will find out if she really sounds like Janice Joplin.  What in the dollar store Halloween witch costume is she wearing?  Ugh, wardrobe department, have I taught you nothing?!?!?!  I am not a fan of Haley and her pleather pants.  She sounds way to gravely in the voice and she just seems a bit rinky-dink to me.  She is too small for this competition.  Judges like it, but I just don’t picture her winning.

Casey is next, he starts with “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” and then changes his tune to “Have You Ever Seen the Rain”.  He sounds okay, but he makes faces when he sings.  We have a special appearance from one of the Keebler Elves playing a teeny tiny guitar at Casey’s feet.  How cute!  DAWG calls him “revolutionary” and Steven suggests he puts wheels on his bass and ride it around town.  Peaches asks Casey if he is under more pressure because of the save, and yes, Casey is trying to make the judges proud.

Little Lauren is going to sing “Natural Woman”.  Big song for a little girl…we shall see how it goes.  Will I Am says she is “Countroul”, Country meets Soul.

Sidebar:  I think I read or heard somewhere that Will I Am is a real douche nozzle…but I digress.

Back to our Little Lauren, wardrobe department deserves a spanking.  They have her in a janky checkered shorts jumpsuit over jeggings.  It’s doing nothing for her.  Hair and makeup can get in line for a smack too, they have her hair in some kind of faux hawk and spray painted black in patches.  What in the f*ckery are they thinking.  Judges rave and we get a shot of Christian Slater in the audience and then a shot of Lauren’s mom, dressed like Brit Brit with her sparkly head band.

Oh crap, Peaches reminds me that the contestants were styled by Gwen Stefani.  When did Gwen go blind?

James is up next with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”.  James needs to tape his ears back or something, they are sticking way out again.  He does okay, but I think the judges will be disappointed.  James hits the token “Adam Lambert” high note and the audience goes wild.  Oy, now James is weeping.  JHO loved it, DAWG likes the emotion of the perf, and Stevie agrees.  Stevens hair is a little too girly for me today.

Scotty is next doing some Elvis… “That’s All Right Mama”.  Will I Am says that combining Country and Rock is called Country Rock.  Well thank God for Captain Obvious’ keen observations and input!  Scotty glides out on the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps and quickly starts workin’ the stage and the crowd.  I actually like this perf because Scotty finally sounds a bit different than he normally does and shows us some versatility.  The judges appear to be enjoying it, they are all smiles and they are bouncing in their cushy judge chairs.  A gaggle of girls run up and hug Scotty, Peaches is perplexed.  DAWG says Scotty is in it to win it and mentions the “new Scotty”.  Just like I said, he finally showed he is not a one trick pony.  JHO says she “feels a little bit of flava’” in his performance.  Peaches makes a joke about the girls from the audience as if they are crazy about him.  Ha-ha Peaches, keep dreamin’.

Peaches returns with Christian Slater, ready to plug his new show on FOX.  Christian’s daughter is there and she is rooting for our next contestant, Pia.

Pia is going to sing a Tina song “River Deep Mountain High”.  Jimmy Iovine says Pia is going to have to get “pissed off” in order to pull this off.

Sidebar:  What is up with Will I Am and his inability to make eye contact with the contestants?  He keeps looking off to the side.  I hate that.  It’s shady, shifty, it ain’t right.

What’s up with the hot ass pantaloon jumpsuit mess Pia is wearing?  What is up with the jump suits period?  Why do they call them jump suits?  They don’t make you jump.  I guess there are just some things we will never understand, like why does Donald Duck wrap a towel around his waist when he gets out of the shower, but yet he never wears pants???

JHO is bouncing in her seat and DAWG is giving the whiplash bobble nod of approval.  Overall, Pia does a good job and Steven says she “killed it”.  JHO says she should study and research the greats.  DAWG wants her to work on “the movement” and he says she’s in it to win it.  Peaches says she appeared “seamless” and Pia gets two thumbs up from mini-Slater.

Sidebar:  Todd Rundgren is in the audience tonight, who as we noted was thought to be Liv Tyler’s father for most of her life.  Hmm…I guess he and Steven are cool, but it seems a bit awkward…

Stefano is going to channel his romantic side with “When A Man Loves A Woman”.  Will I Am Not is giving him some bizarre advice, let’s see how this disaster pans out… Stefano does pretty well and JHO loves it.  DAWG says the first part was a little “jerky” to him and JHO calls him crazy.  DAWG says he wasn’t “jumping up and down” and that Stefano needs to let it “marinate”.  DAWG is thinking about the steak he’s going to have for dinner.  Steven and the angry bird in his hair loved it.

Paul delivers the final perf of the night with “Folsom Prison Blues”.  The mentors tell him to be “crazy” and be “Jerry Lee Lewis” with it.  Heyyyyyyy Laaaaaaaddddyyyy…it’s nice to see Paul do something up-tempo and he does a pretty good job.  He has fun with it and does his little kicks.  He’s got JHO groovin’ in her chair.  DAWG gives Paul three words “I loved it!”  Steven said he “rocked the house” and JHO said he was “right in his lane”.  Peaches is ready for a hoe-down and starts jumping around like a spider monkey.

The contestants start going crazy, dancing all over the stage and Lusky Stank gives Peaches some Jersey Turnpike action.  Overall, not a bad show, but it didn’t blow my wig off.  On to the results…

Peaches warns that it could be “a very shocking results night”.  We sit through the boring group number and now the gratuitous Ford Focus plug.  Enough already…who is going to bite the dust?

Lord help us, it’s Russel Brand with a shameless plug.  His advice is about as useless as teets on a boar hog.

Casey, Stefano, and Little Lauren.  Our Little Lauren and Casey are safe.  Stefano heads to the stool of death.

Speaking of death, we now have to listen to Constantine Maroulis singing “Unchained Melody”.  I personally would rather have a gasoline enema than listen to this hot mess.

Paul, Scotty, and Pia… Scotty and Paul are safe, and Pia is in jeopardy.

James, Haley, and Jacob…and stool of death goes to Lusky Stank.  Judges are stunned…oh what will happen next???

Oy vey…we are treated to a “Wild One” by Iggy Pop.  Well can his stringy hair and anorexic body make me sicker?  I think not.  I think this is what you get when you mix meth, coke, and heroin together.  Judges give him a sympathetic standing O, JHO looks reluctant.  Iggy looks like the extra charred, wing and breast reject piece from Popeye’s.

Jacob “Lusky Stank” and Scotty are safe, and Poor Pia leaves us.  The judges are devastated, DAWG is outraged and they give Pia hugs.  A bit sad because I really like Pia, but I think she will be around.  On to this week…


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