The judges enter and we are treated to two, count ‘em, two shots of a sign being held up in the audience that says: “Steven Tyler, you’re my mom’s hall pass.” Now that’s some funny ass sh!t.
Steven says Motown made him “wanna make out with girls” and Peaches quips back that “he did more than make out, because Liv Tyler was in the audience.” Now the funny thing about that is that Liv actually was raised thinking Todd Rundgren was her father and she didn’t even find out until she was about 18 years old that Steven actually was. Her mom lied to her almost her whole life! Just a bit of trivia for you.
Casey starts with “Heard it Through the Grapevine”. What in the fuc*kery is going on with his hair? It looks like the hair and makeup department slicked it down with Crisco and sent him on his way. It looks like a bunk toupee and it’s janked up more than one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs. I wish Casey would get rid of that Appalachian mountain man beard too. Judges love him and they call him “a true original.”
Thia will sing “Heat Wave.” JHO is dancing and Thia is a lot better this week, but again the wardrobe department needs a beat down. That dress Thia wore was hideous. JHO has some good words of advice and the DAWG wants her to take more chances.
Sidebar: OMFG and Brad Whiford is in the audience, guitarist for Aerosmith, and he looks older than dirt. He has actually not aged too well.
Steven – 1, Brad – 0.
Lusky Stank is up next with “You’re All I Need to Get By” and he plans to ease off on the high notes that could kill a cat. He gets the JHO point of approval. Steven goes up and hugs Jacob and then yells something undecipherable in the mic. DAWG loves it, best Jacob perf of the season. He really hit it out of the park. The entire front row comes up to give hugs and Peaches goes into a tizzy because he has to keep the live show moving.
Little Lauren sings “You Keep Me Hangin’ On.” I really like this song, I hope she can bring it. Judges heads all bobble in sync. She’s workin’ the stage and I hope that she doesn’t trip over that dress that is about 5 inches too long for her. JHO gives the intense eye stare and switches from the head bobble to the head swivel. Steven says she “ripped that song another beauty mark.” He truly lives on his own planet. JHO likes the attitude she brought. DAWG says “she now has her swagger on high.”
Sidebar: Now we see Chef Ramsey in the audience, the stars are all out tonight!
Stefano is next and he gives Peaches some food that Stefano’s mom made. What is up with Stefano’s hair now, it looks like it’s been Casey Criscoed as well. Oh sweet fancy Moses, he is going to sing “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie. I absolutely detest this song. I don’t know why in God’s name the wardrobe department put him in that loungey white blazer. JHO looks annoyed. Stefano is not doing so hot keeping his eyes open. JHO has the “come to Jesus” talk with Stefano about making the connection. Steven is giving the DAWG the death stare. Peaches threatens to cut the DAWG’s mic off for saying that he and Stefano are in a relationship. This just took an ugly turn. Chris Hansen will probably be in the audience next week conducting an investigation.
Sidebar: Chef Ramsey throws shade on mama Stefano’s pasta. Not cool, but that’s Chef Ramsey for ya’!
Haley is next with “You Really Got a Hold on Me” She creeps down the Hasbro slippery steps in her janky stripper heels and she looks like they jammed her into that outfit like a stuffed sausage. Hair and makeup get props though for straightening her brokedown scarecrow weave. We are treated to one of Steven’s screams, he loved her. Oh mother of all that is good and descent, Chris Hansen is definitely waiting for Steven back at the hotel.
Scotty is next up with “For Once in My Life” with a country vibe. He’s posed on the slippery steps like a pimp mack daddy. He’s actually pretty good and I think he is connecting well, but he needs to work on his dancing. He keeps doing squats on stage. Steven says he “tweeks everybody.” JHO and DAWG say it wasn’t his best perf. DAWG calls the low notes “the ladykiller.” Peaches asks if the “voice inside his head is that low too.” Good one Peaches!
Pia is on deck with “All in Love is Fair.” She looks great, but I find the perf a little sleepy. She also gets the “come to Jesus” talk from JHO and needs to work the stage more. Steven looks like he is taking a nap. DAWG wants her to do more up-tempo. Steven tells her “if steppin’ out and puttin’ on some sneakers and kickin’ some ass is what she needs to do it’s fine by me.” Right now the FCC is calling their legal team. Peaches shows off the back of Pia’s “coture” and it really is a gorgeous dress on her.
Paul is singing “Tracks of My Tears”, another personal favorite of mine. I actually like it and I am glad that his Gumby dancing little Elaine from Seinfeld movements are a bit more under control. Hair and makeup need to go sit in the corner ‘cuz Paul has some serious flyaways. Steven is twirling whatever that cockatoo hell is in his hair.
Sidebar: Peaches notes that DAWG has set a record and not said “pitchy” at all yet so far. Steven is sitting again like he is in a sandbox, does he not understand he is on live television?
Exotic Flower is singing “Dancing in the Streets.” Lord help us all, she is going to add African Dance into her performance and she is flailing around looking like she fell into a Good Will donation box. She breaks into her dance section looking like a crazed whacked out crack whore. Steven loves it says it “Was E to the Z oh tweedle dee dee.” JHO got the goose bumps and DAWG really liked it “good lookin’ out.” Nigel Lithgoe from “So You Think You Can Dance” is there and looks as happy as a little girl. I just can’t get into Naima, she looks like the kind of girl who would be a bunny boiling psycho.
James is singing “Livin’ For the City.” Hold on to your wigs and keys folks, I think he may blow the roof off the dump…uh oh we get a few little kicks from James, but I really like him and he reminds me a lot of Adam Lambert. He’s getting’ the DAWG head bobble. A very solid, high-energy perf by Jamesey and he is such a great performer. Steven has that ol’ lady look on his face and he looks like an old used-up clam. The audience is going wild. JHO comments on the “back step” and says he leaves her “speechless which isn’t easy to do.” DAWG uses his phrase “get in the pocket.” Steven says sometimes you need to be a little bit “crazy”, but a bit un-PC since James has Turrets! Peaches is all sarcastic tonight and says that the “problem is that James isn’t comfortable in front of crowd.” It looks like the FOX intern forgot to put the lifts in Peaches’ shoes or milk crate he stands on. He is really a small man.
Overall a very good show with some stellar performances. Now on to the results, which I heard were crack house rat crazy.
What in the GD Dollar General fu*kery hell is JHO wearing? She looks like a gimcrack Hollywood boulevard hooker.
Peaches saunters out with his winning smile, he looks excited and says the results may shock us. Well I don’t like the sound of that at all. JHO’s bitch, Mark Anthony is on hand to help the contestants who have problems being pitchy DAWG. Mark drops the F’Bomb, good thing this part was pre-recorded.
Peaches is razzing JHO about the “interesting pillow talk” that the commentary from Mark will provide. Then I am not f’ing kidding, Steven mouths “hot sex” to the camera. He is incorrigible, but then again he has the “Rock Star License to Kill.”
We get a surprise visit from Stevie Wonder and he glides out on his platform and everyone goes ape sh!t crazy. He sings happy birthday to Steven rendering him speechless.
Sidebar: The sponsors are plugging their wares like a 9-fingered whore this season.
Pia, Scotty, and Little Lauren are all safe. Sugarland performs and I hit the fast forward on the DVR. But first…what in the GD fu*ck sh!t hell is the female singer wearing? She looks like a friggin easter egg with her color combo. It looks like Naima threw up on her. And someone please tell her that jeggings are NOT PANTS! Tim Gunn would do his little finger wave and say “um…this concerns me.”
They show footage of the contestants wrestling and some of the sh!t they are doing looks like it would really hurt. They are hitting each other on the head with cookie sheets like rabid monkeys.
James and Paul are up next and they are both in danger, wait it’s Hulk Hogan lookin’ like he has been dipped in a vat of spray tan and coated in Pam cooking spray. He announces that they are both safe. Then he fake punches Peaches and he dives into the crowd. It looks like some peeps could have really been hurt by these childish antics.
Thia, Jacob, and Stefano are next. Jacob is safe, but Thia and Stefano are not. Poor Stefano, he looks like he is going to blow his lunch.
Naima, Hailey, and Casey are next. What in the GD hell is that brokedown weave on the side of Hailey’s head? The bunny boiler is safe and so is Hailey , but Casey is not. Naima looks like she wants to cut someone up with a knife.
Jennifer Hudson performs her new single and shows off her deep fried hamhocks she has for thighs. Actually she does look pretty good. I kid..I kid…just jokes folks. George Hough is also singing back-up for her. I still feel like sometimes the losers do better than the winners.
Peaches sends Thia away from her stool of death and back to the comfy safety couch. Stefano is safe and he and Casey bond in a tearful hug. Casey sings for his life and in an unprecedented AI moment, DAWG stops the show! They use the save, and Casey looks like he is going to chunder or faint. He’s got his moppy coif back too. Casey is falling all over the place. MEDIC…STAT! He says “Oh my fu*cking god” thanks the judges, he is shaking like a Mexican washing machine and then takes a header right into Peaches’ crotch. Casey proves he is quite agile and he runs out to the audience and hugs what I presume are Casey’s parents. Everyone is thrilled and Naima puts away the shiv she fashioned earlier out of an empty Coca-Cola can. Casey said it scared the “stuff” out of him. Two will go next week, but all 11 contestants will go on the tour. I am glad they finally perked up the results show, lately it’s been like watching paint dry.
I am outie 500 folks, until next time.