The Dirty Dozen

We start with a shout out to Japan, which is nice because all of this seems rather frivolous in light of what is going on over there, but as we know…the show must go on.

Sidebar:  I thought of this after I completed last week’s column, but when D. Diddy Dirty Puffy Money or whatever the hell he is callin’ himself these days, used to date JHO.  In fact, they both got arrested over a night club shooting.  I had forgotten about it at the time the show aired, that must have been a bit awkward for them.  It’s a small, small, incestuous world!

I couldn’t figure out why half of the contestants were turning their backs on the camera when introduced, but then I noticed there is audience behind the stage.  That’s new for this year, AI in the round.  How fancy.  Tonight the contestants will sing songs from the year they were born, in other words, “Let’s Make Lisa Feel Old Night.”

Each contestant gets a mini-lecture from the “Butter and Egg Man”, Jimmy Iovine.  He is like the Steven Spielberg of music and he can crush dreams faster than Steven can crush up a Lunesta for snortin’.

We start with our “Exotic Flower” Naima.  She is definitely different, but I still just can’t bring myself to be a fan of hers.  She is going to sing “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”  Big song Naima, big risk.  She creeps down the Hasbro Slippery Steps dressed in red and yellow, lookin’ like a hobo version of Ronald McDonald that just dove into a used toilet.  I am sorry folks, but she is terrible.  There are just some songs that you need to leave alone, Tina Turner’s are definitely one of them.  I bet the DAWG will laugh.  Steven says she has a “sorcerer’s grasp for melody”…uh okay…Steven if I have asked you once, I will ask you twice…stay off the Nepalese Temple Balls.  JHO keeps it real, calls her consistently “pitchy”.  Sidebar:  JHO is rockin’ the hair, very reminiscent of early SJP from SATC (Sex and the City).  DAWG says she is “all over the place.”  He was not laughing.

Paul is next up singing “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues.”  Please do not slaughter this song, Paul…I beg of you.  He sounds like chunder on toast.  You can tell he doesn’t have the full capacity of his voice.  He’s walking around the stage like a gumby doll bending every which way.  I don’t like it, make it stop, make it stop, my eyes, my ears, can’t sleep, clowns will eat me!  Oh good lord, I cannot un-hear or un-see this.  You can tell as he finishes that he knows he sucked ballz.  JHO gives him false hope by being too nice.  I am sorry, but at this point in the comp, they need to really bring it and Paul did not only NOT bring it tonight, but he took it away like a toy from a misbehaving child.  DAWG gives him a bit of street cred for making it his own.  Steven calls him “cool dude in a loose mood.”  I see Steven got out his “Angry Live Bird-in-a-Bag Kit” and has affixed it to his ear or in his hair, or something.  Steven really needs a cut-n-color or a fluff-n-freshen, or all of the above.  What is going on, is everyone crazy tonight?!?!?!

Thia is up next with “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams.  Hold on to your wigs and keys, we are headed for a train wreck of epic proportion.  It almost sounds like she loses her words at one point, not sure, but the overall perf is a bit shaky.  One positive, she looks very lovely with her hi-pro-glo.  The song is a bit pageanty or 11th grade talent show.  Wardrobe also should have used a full length slip under the dress, you could see right through the bottom of it.  DAWG felt it was boring and then…he says he feels like he was at a PAGEANT!  I swear, DAWG and I are on the same page.  I admire his perspicacity.  Thia is crestfallen and realizes she really made a bone-head move with this song.

Next up is Turret Boy, James with “I’ll Be There for You” by Bon Jovi.  He does okay, but he didn’t blow my socks off.  JHO is rockin’ out with a full blown Jersey Shore fist pump!  Steven asks him about the dolls he was seen playing with in his “memory lane” video package.  He then says he has “leftover sandwiches under his bed older than him (James).”  Really Steven, for reals?  JHO admits she was “acting a fool”, but she enjoyed his performance.  DAWG gives him props and asks about his boots.  Turns out he has DAWG collars on them!  Steven promises to sing with him in the finale.  Hmm…could it be…foreshadowing?  I sure hope so, James is still my favorite.

Hailey sings next with “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by none other than Whitney Houston.  Have I taught you NOTHING???  Oh Moses smell the roses…you don’t do Whitney, you just don’t do it.  Next stop…Sucksville.  Why is she singing like a baby?  I don’t understand this approach.  And once again the wardrobe department needs to be put in time-out.  The red sweater with the red matching lips, and high-waisted camel toe pants, yet again.  This probably has to be the worst perf of the night so far.  DAWG is gonna let her have it…JHO compliments how she looks, translation “YOU SUCKED!”  It looks like Hailey got so far down on the mic that she smeared the red lipstick on her chin.  Oh whadda ya’ know, Peaches to the rescue with a tissue.  DAWG is clearly annoyed, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.  He says he is “confused”.  The cheese is falling off of Hailey’s cracker…Steven, can you save the day?  Well, no, he wants to hear more “blues”.  I think Miss Hailey is going to be Cookie Monster Blue as she packs her bags tomorrow night.

Sidebar:  I must take a break as I feel a gummi bear hurling incident coming on.  Hopefully Stefano and Pia can wake up this snooze-fest.

Our resident QT Pie, Stefano, is next with “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red.  I find it amusing how these young kids probably think they are singing the original versions of these songs.  This song was originally recorded by the jersey soul musical group Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes sung by Teddy Pendergrass.  It was originally written for Patti LaBelle, who opted not to record it.  Betcha didn’t know that!  Maybe you did, but I digress.  Stephano does a good job.  Maybe it’s me, maybe I am off tonight, but everybody seems to be just a wee bit sub-par tonight.  Judges seem to really like it, but then again a hyena in a wind tunnel crapping out rusty nails would sound good right about now.  DAWG calls it, originally done by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, calls it the best perf of the night.

Pia is next with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston.  OH the humanity, I really hope she can pull this off.  I get a little nervous when they take on Whitney.  What in the “I Dream of Hot Ass Mess Genie” is she wearing?  I swear this wardrobe department needs to be punished.  They are going to get such a licking when their father gets home.  Jasmine…uh, I mean Pia, looks like she is about to take off on a magic carpet.  She does okay, but I am not wowed.  Steven says she “nailed it”.  JHO loved the up-tempo choice.  DAWG gives her props on the vocal, she is in it to win it.

Scotty is singing “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by Travis Tritt.  He does okay, but he always sounds the same to me.  He has a great voice for country music, but I would like to see him do something different.  The crowd loves him and JHO says he pushed it out a bit more.  Steven is once again sitting in his chair like he’s in a sandbox.  DAWG wants to see him take more chances as well.

Next up is Karen, who sings “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane.  What in the rabid dead animal is on her head?  Now the hair and makeup department need to go sit in the corner facing the wall.  Wardrobe is now in the penalty box.  Take their enchanted laundry hamper away!  She is dressed like she should be on the Mod Squad.  Now I am confused, who is she, who is Karen as an artist?  Her vocal is sub-standard, not great.  What is going on tonight?  DAWG says it was better than last week.  Steven loves her “ethnic what-it-is-ness.”  Exsqueeze me…baking powder?  Holy F’ballz, what the hell is he talking about?  Some things can never be explained, like why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?  I just don’t know…

Casey is out of the hospital since developing schpilkis in his ganectagazoink and he sings “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.  Casey looks a little strange, his hair doesn’t match his beard.  He looks like a monkey wit’ a wig on or “The little bear who itched”.  This is gonna be a tough song…and…and…wait for it…oh boy and he sucks!  Big surprise.  Why are these contestants picking these crazy songs?  DAWG is nodding his head with passion and fervor as if he likes it.  I can’t believe it, Casey sounds like a hot bag of mess.  Then he tries to get all “rock star” on us at the end and he jumps about an inch off the floor trying to look menacing.  Better look out, Paul Bunyan may go destroy a hotel room after this.  They must have pumped him full of tiger blood when he was laid up in the hospital.  Once my ears stopped bleeding, Steven gives him props, says he has the “goop that great stuff is made of.”  It’s goop all right, radioactive goop.  JHO calls him a bit “screechy” and the DAWG likes that he takes a risk, but it’s not the best perf.

Little Lauren has the green-apple nasties and Peaches quickly slips into a medical mask.  I can’t imagine this is going to be a good performance.  She will sing “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge.  That’s a pretty intense song, should be interesting.  Sidebar:  Why does Lauren’s mother dress like Brit Brit?  Odd, very odd.  Anyhoo, our little Lauren has the flu and it shows, her perf is lackluster.  JHO looks on, disappointed, Lauren looks like she is about to pass out from her 102° fever.  Judges actually really like it, I say put the poor girl to bed, she looks soooo ill.  She coughs on Peaches and he runs.  I would be willing to bet that Ryan is a crazy germaphobe, Howie Mandel style.

Jacob “Lusky Stank” is our final performance with “Alone” by Heart.  Sweet screamin’ monkeys…he tears it up.  He reminds me a bit of Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Maybe next week Jacob will sing “Closet Freak.”  DAWG thought it was great.  JHO is dancing around in her seat.

I have to give the top three to Turret Boy, Stefano and Jacob (in no particular order).  The girls are in trouble, nobody really smashed it.  Judges say they have a “hot competition”, we shall see what tomorrow night brings…Lee DeWyze is performing and the Black Eyed Peas.  Catch y’all on the flipside where someone gets their ass bounced.  Peaches…OUT!

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