Some Flop, Some Pop

Contestants will perform a song by their own personal idol.  If anyone comes out and sings a Brit Brit song, you better believe that the gummi bears will fly.

Lauren

She sings “Any Man of Mine” by Shania Twain.  The producer, Don Was, who she is working with looks like a pot head that just crawled out of his cardboard box.  Don Was…not able to comb his hair today.  Lauren does okay, she looks adorable and at least she is dressed age appropriately.  Steven says he wishes it would have been more “kick ass” and Lauren looks like the cheese fell off her cracker.

Seth Rogan (A.K.A. Casey)

He sings “Have a Little Help From My Friends” by Joe Cocker.  He does a pretty good job with it, the crowd goes ape sh!t.  Steven calls him a “Plethora of passion.”  Good word use Steven.

Ashton

She is going to sing a Diana Ross song “When You Tell Me That You Love Me.”  I sure hope she can pull it off…Steven and DAWG are bobbing their heads.  I think her performance was a bit weak, not her best.  And what is with her pointy witch fingernails?  Judges seem to be a little vanilla on the performance.

Paul

He sings a Ryan Adams song that I have never heard before.  I actually really dislike this performance.  He sounds like a crazy perv and he’s jumping around the stage like a rabid chicken.  What’s with the little kicks?  Is he Elaine from Seinfeld?  Steven called him a little pitchy.  I call him a little CRAZY!  Then Peaches does a pretty funny impression of him jumping around like he has a mouse in his underwear.

Pia

Oh mother of all that is good and descent, she is going to sing “All By Myself” by Celine Dion.  She is too young to know that it is actually not a Celine song, but it was originally done by Eric Carmen.  Miss Pia just lost a few points with me due to the sheer fact that Celine is her idol.  Hopefully she can pull this out of the hat.  I think it was a bit too similar to her last performance, but not as good.  JHO thinks it did top last week.  DAWG is in awe, “very hot, dope, cool performance.”  Was it hot or cool DAWG?  Steven says she “polished that apple” and slammed it.  She is still great, but for me it’s going to be hard to top her “Stand by You” perf from last week.

James (A.K.A. Turret Boy)

He is going to sing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.”  An excellent song and the judges heads are a-bobblin’.  For someone with his affliction, he seems right at home performing on the stage.  DAWG says he slayed it and that he is “dangerous.”  Steve said he “just kicked it into the middle of next week.”  He delivers the best perf of the night so far in my opinion.

Haley

She is singing “Blue” from LeAnn Grimes.  She is working with “Rock Mafia” on her vocal.  So, what if we don’t like her performance, we might get whacked?  Steven appears to be liking it, he is smiling and be-bopping like a teenager.  She actually sounds okay, but she tends to pull faces when she sings and it’s distracting to me.  You can tell DAWG doesn’t like it because he can’t contain his laughter.  HE calls it “sleepy and boring.”  Haley looks like a stunned mouse in a dixie cup and Steven and JHO give the DAWG the death stare.  If she can’t take constructive criticism she will never make it in the music business.  Hey DAWG, don’t sit with your back to the door.

Jacob

Peaches is asking him about his career at the spa and then there is something about a “wet room” and Peaches immediately becomes uncomfortable.  Something tells me, Peaches you little weasel, you know exactly what that is.  He performs R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.”  I think Jacob will probably kill it.  I get the feeling that our boy Jacob plays for the other team, not that there’s anything wrong with that!  He’s all over it like a cheap suit and the judges love it.

Thia

Her idol is Michael Jackson and she is going to sing “Smile.”  She sounds a little “Holiday Inn Express Loungey” to me.  DAWG didn’t like the “jazzy” bit, Stevie agrees.  Thia looks like she’s about to hurl monkey clumps.  I think part of the problem is these youngins don’t know how to take criticism.

Sidebar:  Peaches asks Steven about his workstation and he whips out a fan and says “this is my biggest fan.”  Oh Steven, you’re such a card.

Stephano

He is going to sing “Lately” by Stevie Wonder.  Not my favorite performance by him, but hubba hubba, oh you kid.  He is cuter than a plate full o’ peanut butter sangwiches.  Judges actually really dig it.

Karen

Well surprise, surprise, she is going to do “I Could Fall in Love” by Selina.  I am sure she will win points with JHO since she played Selina in the movie about her life.  I think the perf is a bit rocky, but I do like the way she’s dressed, she looks great.  Ohhh…JHO doesn’t like it!  Well I guess nobody could do it as good as she did.  DAWG calls it “sleepy”, does somebody need a nap?

Scottie

Gee, again what a surprise, he is going to do “The River” by Garth Brooks.  He has the crowd on their feet and he seems to sing it quite effortlessly.  DAWG loved it, Steven says something that makes no sense, I think he’s been hittin’ the Nepalese temple balls again.

Naima (A.K.A. What in the Hepatitis C is This Hot Ass Mess)

She is going to sing “Umbrella” by Rhianna.  She is working with “Tricky” who actually produced the song.  It’s gonna be tricky all right.  Her outfit looks like a concoction of items found in wadded up napkins.  She is all ghetto on stage and I don’t even think she sounds that good.  All the sudden it appears that she thinks she is on “So You Think You Can Dance.”  Steven gives his critique and says she’s “pitchy”, JHO really liked it.  DAWG is laughing again, but he says he liked the reggae part.  It’s kinda funny how Peaches always puts his arm around every contestant and hugs them, but he will not touch her with a ten foot pole.  Oh wait, he gives her a quick pat on the back and her broke-down weave gets stuck in his microphone.

See you on the flip-side for the results show.

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