Sidebar: Why does Steven have a bird in his hair like the crazy bus driver character on South Park?
She sings “Only Girl in the World.” She’s okay, but she sounds a little pitchy to me DAWG. She was twirling about on the stage like a little whirling dervish. JHO and Steven like it, but the DAWG agrees with me and he wasn’t moved. OHRS points out to the DAWG that “it takes a lot to move you.”
She kinda scares me, she looks like a scary clown or drag queen who dipped his face in a bucket of lead paint. She takes on “Summertime”, but again I am reminded of when Fantasia sang this and I don’t think she compares. That yellow dress she has on is a hot ass mess. It looks like she wrapped a curtain around herself. JHO calls her an “exotic flower.” DAWG again agrees with me about Fantasia and he calls her a little “loungey.”
OHRS says she was selling bathtubs? Errr? Oh well, she sings a song I have not heard before, some Christina song about “Impossible.” She comes out lookin’ a little janky in pleather camel toe pants. Steven comments on the clothes, and he likes them. The judges like her.
I am not a big fan of her, she comes out in some kind of cape and her performance of “Criminal” is a bit too burlesque for me. Steven calls it “Broadway.” DAWG says “it wasn’t good.” Oooh…DAWG spewing venom tonight!
Our Latin sensation sings “Hero.” She breaks into a Spanish mid-song. She has a pretty descent voice, but I am not wild about the language cross-over. Of course JHO has goose bumps. I don’t think she will really find her niche with America.
She performs a song I have never heard, something about “Really Gonna Love You.” DAWG is moving his head around like he is having a seizure. I don’t know what’s up with the wardrobe department, but she looks like an oversized disco ball and then she has these wedgie moon boots on. DAWG loves it says “that’s how you do it man!” JHO wants to see her get in the face of the camera more.
Again, the wardrobe department seems to have gone blind. Why are they ho-ing up these young girls in bustiers and camel toe pants? I have not heard the song she sings. Steven nicknames her “Jonesey.” JHO says she has the makings of a Diva. DAWG compares her to Diana Ross. OHRS admires her camel toe, uh I mean outfit.
Julie always wears these dresses that flare way out at the bottom, she must have some junk in the trunk. She sings a Kelly Clarkson song, “Break Away.” Hmm…big shoes to fill Julie. I find her to be okay, not great. DAWG looks like he’s ready for a nap. The judges don’t really like it either, she didn’t bring anything new to the song.
She sings “Fallin’” by Alecia Keys. This was the one song that contestants would sing that would always piss off Simon Cowell. If he is watching somewhere, I bet he is throwing gummi bears at his television. Again, the wardrobe department has dressed her like a janky ho. DAWG give his critique calls her “karaoke” and she looks like she’s about to chunder. Steven disagrees and DAWG is screaming “WHAT? WHAT?”, JHO gives DAWG a “shush!” Steven says “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
Sidebar: Why is Steven sitting in his chair like he’s in a sandbox?
She sings “On My Own” and she is actually very good and finally a contestant dressed appropriately for her age. Steven called her “pitch perfect.” DAWG says her tone reminds him of the “late great Michael Jackson.” I am not sure what that means, DAWG must be smokin’ something during the commercial breaks.
Little Lauren Alaina
She sings a song I haven’t heard, “Turn On the Radio” or something. If I have to see GD camel toe pants one more time, I’m gonna hurl. JHO calls her “a natural.” DAWG says she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson meets Carrie Underwood. Lauren apparently calls OHRS “Peaches.” I think we found a new nickname for OHRS.
She sings “I’ll Stand By You” and I have nothing comical to say about this performance. She moved me to tears. Oh wait, she gets a standing O from the judges and JHO reveals her ham-hock thigh. Steven says “after Monday and Tuesday even a week says WTF.” Seriously, Pia was perfection.
So our girls Thia and Pia blew the roof off the dump.