How Goes the Anxiety?

Haley Reinehart

She does pretty good, she is from Wheeling, IL so she better represent.  Steven says she “made his day”, I bet, you ol’ perv.

Ashton Jones

She does pretty well to, but she’s another one that needs to tame down her Wal-Mart broke down weave.

Thia Megia

Despite her janky name, she does pretty well.  Day is off to a good start!

Adrian Michael

He flops like an ol’ man who forgot to take his viagra, he can’t get his groove on with the band.

Caleb Johnson and Frances Coontz

Both flop.  Dawg is rotating his head around trying to erase the sound of the howler monkey on stage.

June Bug

He’s pretty good, but I still can’t get over the fact that he screwed little cheechako like a nine-fingered whore the night before.

Kendra Chantelle and Sophia Shororai

These two do well also.  I can’t figure out what is up with Steven’s facial expressions.  He seriously looks like he wants to violate all these young ladies.  Simmer down now Mr. Pelican Pants!  There will be no playing grab-ass here.

Carson Higgins and Chris Medina

They are singing the same song “My Perogative.”  Carson starts his performance by grabbing his junk.  I will never understand why boys must do this.  Chris takes a more mellow approach.

Julie Zorilla, Caleb Hawley, and Colton Dixon

These are three are as solid as the first dump you take after you’ve been constipated for days.

Simply Red

He does okay too, but I still hate that hair.

Robbie “The nose always knows” Rosen

Pretty good needs a haircut, he’s on the verge of rockin’ a mullet.

Casey Abrams (A.K.A. Seth Rogan)

He plays a stand up base for his perf and does pretty well.

Jaquelin Dunford

She gets ill and our little, bossy Malibu Barbie gets her ass bounced out of the comp.

Chelsee Oaks

She pulls through even though her little Malibu Barbie buddy has left.  Oh boy, more salty discharge from her eyeballs.

Lauren Alaina

Our little Georgia Peach reprises “I don’t want to miss a thing.”  She does well, but I am not a fan when the contestants keep singing the same song.  I think she is sucking up to Steven, however there will be no sucking going on as it would be ILLEGAL.  Chris Hansen is waiting back at Steven’s hotel room, ready to come around the corner, ask him to take a seat, and offer him some sweet tea.

Jacob Lusk

This guy sounds like hes wailing a bit, but the judges go donuts over it.  Steven is screaming, Dawg is a howlin’, he gets a standing O from JHO.  Oh mother of all that is good and descent, Jacob runs out of the audition and starts sobbing like a little girl.

John Wayne

He sang one of my favorite songs “Landslide.”  He does pretty good for a cow poke.

Ashley Sullivan

This cracky warthog from hell just needs to go.  She is ape sh!t crazy and if you google “Psycho Hose Beast” you will find her picture.  I think she looks like she would kill a man in his sleep.  Our Cracky Cookie crumbles, and surprise surprise, more tears.

Stephano Langone, Jovanny Bravo, and Cheechako

They do well, out of the three, Stephano is the cutest and I think he would go far.  Jovanny is a bit too “Holiday Inn Express Loungey” for me and our littl Cheech, well we will just wait and see.  Cheech has really won over the judges.

Scotty McCreary

If this kid sings the same song again, I will hurl gummi bears at the TV.  He finally tackles something else and botches the words.  Can we say “One trick pony?”

Tatynisa Wilson

She sounds like a wailing baby seal being clubbed with a bag of hammers.  Can we use our indoor irrational skank voice?  Dawg is lookin’ at her like “what in the f*ckery is this hot sh!t ass mess?”

The Judges deliberate and shuffle around the polaroids.  The tension mounts.

They wait on pins and needles and they all look like they want to blow chunks.  Groups one and four go thru, but group two and three get their walkin’ papers.

Now there was some shocking twist that was billed right before the last commercial break.  There was no shocking twist, what the hell.  Gummi bears fly at the TV screen.

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