Use Your Illusion

Group week.  This is like being the last kid picked for the kick ball game.  The deception, the betrayal, the drama.

Tiffany Rios (A.K.A. Jersey Girl)

Hot holy f*ck sh!t she is a pain in the ass.  I’d rather be sick on hard liquor than listen to her loquacious nonsense.  Looks like she has been shopping at the baby gap with Simon.  I would love to see what the acerbic voice of reason would have to say to this broad.  She looks like stuffed sausage in that dress.  She tries to persuade Scotty McCreary to join her, but he wants nothing to do with this hot ass mess.

Jordan Dorsey (A.K.A. The Cocky S.O.B)

This douche is making other people audition for him.  He is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch.  “That’s just not gonna work for me.”  If I have to witness him be a bigger bitch up in this thing, I might just have to hurl some more wayward gummi bears at the screen.  This guy is going to get what’s coming to him…know that! (said cryptically as I puff on my electronic cigarette).

Scottie McCreary joins “The Guaps” (who in the freak came up with that name?)  June bug is not sure about him.  Then they kick out our little cheechako, Jacee.  They are all going STRAIGHT to hell.  Do not pass “Go” and do not collect your $200.00.  What a rotten thing to do.  Poor kid, but then our red headed rabid raccoon hair boy takes our cheechako Jacee in.  They call him a “blessing”.  Hmm…I guess everything does happen for a reason.

Ashley Sullivan (A.K.A. Strung out Meth Addict)

This freakin’ chick is just annoyin’ the hell outta me.  She wants to stay…go…stay…go.  Ugh, just take your pale lookin’ corpse ass home and spare us the drama!  Producers talk her into staying, although I don’t know why.  If she can’t handle “the cameras” on her, how is she going to handle performing in front of millions?  I guess the Fox intern was not on hand to tell her to “EXIT…STAGE LEFT.”

Brothers from another mother are practicing in the bathroom.  I am no singer, but I hear the urinal cake provides for great acoustics.

Now we have big controversy over the “stage mom’s”, oh get over it already.  These kids need all the help they can get!

Two groups are singing the same Queen song.  Okay, SIDEBAR:  Tackling a Queen song is probably one of the most difficult things to do.  Freddy Mercury had a truly unique voice and the guy was a performer.  These two groups are really gonna hafta BRING IT.

Three’s Company

Our little wee man says he is “screwed.”  Really, no sh!t, thanks for clearing that up.  He is just gutted, looking like the cheese fell off his cracker.

Okay at this point, everyone is a hot, scrambin’, mess and I am sick of it.  Gummi bears are being hurled at TV screen.

Let’s move on to some of the performances and let’s hope they don’t forget the words:

The first three girl trio was good, they blew it out da’ box.  I still don’t smell a winner here.  It’s not enough to be “good”, they need to be GREAT!  I will let you know when I get goosebumps.

The Duo

JHO says she is scared to hear this group performance.  They sing “To the left, to the left”…how about exit stage left.  Dawg is laughing and he shuts them down like a bad ferris wheel because they suck ass..  Then Jersey Girl is pleading on the microphone lookin’ like a two-bit ho.  What in the jazzersicing camel toe is she wearing?  Shall we coin a new name for yet another Calvin Klein fragrance?  Pleading Camel Toe? 

Some Kinda Wonderful

The girl group summons Steven to the stage.  Well played girls…Well played.  Steven thoroughly enjoys being the center of attention.  Now all the sudden he’s got a bit of pep in his step and apparently a license to sell hot dogs.  Lauren is the only one who gets through and right now the producers of Dateline are watching this and calling Chris Hansen about doing a celebrity episode of To Catch A Predator.

Is it wrong that I think it’s funny when they forget the words?  It totally pisses the Dawg off.  JHO looks totally freakin’ annoyed.  Steven looks like he’s totally over it.

Our resident hill cat forgets the words, don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good lord split ya’.

What was really funny was the girl who was flailing about singing Rhianna “Only girl in the world.”  Really??  Really????  For reals?  Then she argues for her spot.  “Really, really bad” says our DAWG and I concur!

Paris is up next and she sucks.  JHO is torn, she reflects, what was that salty discharge that came from my eyes when I first saw her?  End de la rue for our girl Paris.

Emily Ann Marie and Amy Wineho are gone…they take their janky broke down weaves and bounce.

DAWG gives a pep talk and apparently it works, the girls who came on next were great.  Ashley “drama queen” is probably glad she stayed, but she doesn’t deserve it.  I think she has daddy issues.

James Durbin (A.K.A. Turet Boy)

He definitely has a future outside of the competition.  I really like him and I think he is so good.  One of my faves.  If lovin’ him is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

Next group gets a standing O, they were good, the contestants now have salty discharge coming from her eyes.  Steven says this is the reason he got involved with the show.  Looks like the Stage Mom’s helped after all!

The guy reading words off his hand was a riot.  How stupid can you be?  Steven gives a tip, write the words on your arm.  I remember one time when I saw Aerosmith perform, there was a sign taped to the stage that said “You are in Chicago.”  Even the Demon of Screaming gets CRS (can’t remember SH!T)

I love how these contestants turn around when they forget the words and look back as if the words are going to magically appear behind them.

Carson Higgins (A.K.A. That Guy)

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I don’t like the way he looks.  He looks like the type of guy who has bodies in his basement.

Sugar Mama and the Babies

Cheechako makes up his own words.  He is so cute, but he’s not ready.  More salty discharge from Jacee’s eyes.  They throw shade on the Guaps, but all make it thru.

The Guaps

DAWG calls the group out on rejecting our cheechako Jacee, Scotty apologizes for not sticking up for him.  The Guaps get thru.  Geez now Scotty has salty discharge coming from his eyeballs.  I guess they are all sleep deprived, so it’s taking a toll.

Three’s A Crowd

Our little polly pocket is having a hard time with the girls.  He has the worst case of CRS that I’ve ever seen and he can’t dance to save his ever lovin’ life.  This whole performance just went all gunnysack on him.  Poor little wee man, oh well…Keebler called, they need you back at the tree.

That’s all for now, I will work on night two and this past week later.  Over and out my friends.

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