Tonight we started Hollywood Week. There is no feedback given from the judges, so this was actually a snooze fest. I’ll try my best to fluff it up for you. Let’s watch some spirits and dreams get crushed, shall we?
This kid breaks out into a full blown flop-sweat and he’s shaking like a Mexican washing machine. He’s pretty good, but mother of all that is good and descent he needs to do something about that hair. It looks like he put his head in a pillowcase with a rabid raccoon.
Our little energizer bunny doesn’t make it. She is standing there lookin’ like the cheese fell off her cracker. I don’t think the judges ever intended to put her through.
Stormi, Miss Teen U.S.A.
Steven clearly has a crush on her, which is just gross. I think she sounds like a hyena in heat, she didn’t get through…pageant wave…buh bye!
She was one of my favorites and gets through. It’s on like Donkey Kong!
He’s another heavy favorite and the only one in his round that gets through. Although, he needs some jeri-curl or something to tone down that Roseanne Rosanna Danna hair.
Sidebar: If I have to sit through one more commercial break, I’m gonna spit. I think I may have even thrown some wayward gummy bears at the screen.
Jaycee Our Little Babyface Sensation
The youngest of the group gets through, but my prediction: our little cheechako gets eaten alive.
Robbie “Follow Your Nose, it Always Knows” Rosen
Robbie and his gargantuan schnaz get through as well. Prediction: he won’t get far.
The cavalcade of “Ford Focus” cars delivers the next batch of contestants. Nice gratuitous plug by Ford. More wayward gummy bears fly, maybe even an expletive or two.
Steven skips along with his big, fat, bald bodyguard. He is so excited to arrive at work, but little does he know that almost everyone on that day is going to suck donkey balls.
Wee Little Man
This guy is sitting next to OHRS and he looks like he is half the size of OHRS. So…he must be about 2 feet tall. They must have been sitting because the Fox intern forgot to bring the milk crate for OHRS to stand on. Anyway, Our little Polly Pocket man and his ex-girlfriend move forward in the competition.
Gay Boy and his Beard
Our choirboy and his mate are separated. He begs for another chance. Dawg cuts him off, you only get ONE SHOT. As he is being ushered out, he starts singing again. Boy oh boy…if desperation and neediness were attractive, they’d be Calvin Klein fragrances!
Well that’s all tonight for this nickel and dime donkey show. Next week is Group Week. Hopefully it will be more interesting than watching paint dry! Thanks for reading folks…Seacrest…OUT!