We open with a young girl in tears over her rejection, she says “I thought I was gonna be famous…just because someone farts, let them finish singin’!” C’mon now, she was just giving herself some anal applause! So what if she let Freddie outta the cage? Well honey you are famous now…as the girl that farted during her audition. Don’t feel bad Gassy McGassygirl, I am sure those audition crowds must be an abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.
We’re at the City by the Bay, where we first found Adam Lambert! Let the craziness ensue…
Judges arrive and they designate Steven to be the one to put the hammer down. Although, watch out for JHo…’cuz she’ll cut a bitch!
Little Mail Order Ukrainian Bride
This li’l girl came outta da’ gate like a-koo-koo-doodle doo! Her husband appears Asian and he says “me love her long time”. Steven delivers the bad news that she ain’t no good and she emits a squeak reminiscent of our poof-headed Jersey Shore favorite, Snookie. She skips out and says she’s going to be the biggest celebrity in Hollywood and stomps off. OHRS (Our Host Ryan Seamonkey) says “oh, wanna chat about it?” Now she is pouting and she yells “No!” He tells the hubby that “He’s got his hands full”, but I don’t think he understood a word of English. On the elevator, she tells us she has the most beautiful eyes you’ll ever see even though they are crying. Aww, my heart breaks for the queen of delusion. NOT!
Sidebar: Is it just me, or does Steven look hilarious in his bifocals?
This poor guy had an accident and it sounds horrific. The paramedics thought he was taking the dirt nap. Well he’s back in business, ‘cuz this guy delivered on “Heard it Through the Grapevine”. He will do well because he has a fighting spirit, he’s adorable, and he’s got the Lifetime Movie of the Week Story.
Junebug in da’ House
He’s a karaoke DJ at a dive bar and he looks like a whackadoo, but this little bugger sounds pretty good, the judges love him and he’s through.
Crazy Contagious Monkey Boy
This kid is dressed like some kind of animal and he’s crazier than a crack house rat. He gets an immediate “NO” from our Dawg. We haven’t heard the Dawg say “NO” that fast since someone asked him if he wanted a salad for lunch. (I have to thank Joel McHale for that one-liner). If you missed the show, you can find a picture of this kid if you Google “Indications that someone has lost their GD fuck!ng mind!”
Signed Sealed Delivered
This kid was so bad, Dawg put his head down and did not lift it back up as if he was thinking, “I’m livin’ in a powder keg and giving off sparks”.
Crazy Transformer Guy
This guy is a walking calamity in this contraption he wore that allowed him to convert into a car. Well I don’t know what all this mishigas is about, but he converts back into the car and starts singing “Born to be Wild”. Steven says he thought his outfit was so slammin’ and he liked his voice, Dawg says “Really?” And Steven says very softly to the kid “Joking”. Then he asks him before he leaves “How many gallons per mile?” Then the ass-hat drives away on the sidewalk practically running people over.
Sidebar: Steven seems to inappropriately like the young ladies…ahh…some things never change!
Julie from Columbia
She has another Lifetime movie of the week story about the guerrillas in Columbia. She sings “Summertime”. My first thought was that song was so slammin’ when Fantasia performed it, she might not compare, but then the Dawg said the same thing. Great minds think alike! She is hotter than a dancin’ bobcat with its ass on fire. She gets an “unequivocally yes” from Steven. Why do I smell another Paula Abdulesque American Idol scandal coming on regarding inappropriate behavior between a judge and contestant?
Goldilocks, , A.K.A. Monkey Wit’ a Wig On
He sings a Beatles song…badly. Steven says “ohhhh you may be tendin’ bar!” Then he screams at him, beating his chest “Do you see what’s on my shirt?!?!” (The Beatles). He tells him he was “so far off the melody it was like he was on another planet.” Now Steven is angry and Dawg says “Steven you been testy.” Hee hee, he said testy. It looks like these auditions may banish Steven’s sobriety to the land of wind and ghosts.
Steven is on a roll puttin’ da’ screws down, he yells at the next kid “Dude, did you hit your head on the way here?”
Big Scary Dude with the Bushy Beard and Greazy Long Hair
This brain dead meat puppet sings “Stand by Me”. Stephen says “That was so great, you sound like these guys (referring to his Beatles shirt) and then he says you’re in, it’s gonna be a big hit!” You can hear the crew cracking up in the background and then Steven says “NO, absolutely not.” Oh the humanity.
She comes in with some janky cop costume that she found at a yard sale and Seven says “You oughtta be arrested for that voice.” Then he asks her if she has hand cuffs. Steven is so inappropriate tonight and it’s fabulous!
Emily Ann Reed
Another Lifetime Movie of the Week story, her house burned down and she lost everything. I think that same thing happened to season 1 winner, Kelly Clarkson. She certainly has a unique voice, but I am not a fan. I don’t think she could put asses in the seats. Judges are split and JHo is holding the cards, she’s in a real quandary. She gives her one more chance to see how she does in Hollywood week.
This boy has turret’s syndrome and Aspersers (form of Autism). He didn’t know his father very well and eventually lost him to a drug overdose. We are full of sad stories tonight. He met the love of his life and she leaves little love notes around the house for him. They had a son and it changed his life. He doesn’t have a job and they are flat broke busted and can’t afford diapers sometimes. This show is tearin’ the ass outta me tonight! He has kind of a punk rocker look and he sings “You Shook Me All Night Long” and then asks for Steven’s permission to sing “Dream On”. He impresses, he sounds a lot like Adam Lambert. He starts crying and says the singing takes him away from his Turret’s. Steven says it was “Over the top” and Dawg says it was “CRAZY Good!” Steven says he has “melodic sensibility and the voice”. I hope he does well, he seems like a good kid.
The show wraps up with some flashbacks and we are treated to clips of Yoji Pop and Civil War Reenactment boy actin’ all crazy, and a few other nut-jobs that went full-blown, boiling bunny psycho. Then they show this hilarious clip of OHRS sitting down in a chair that breaks out from under him and he falls backwards. Is it wrong that I love watching other people fall?
Next up…Holly-Hell Week!