Hey folks, sorry for the delay, the blizzard caused quite a stir with homeowners. Did I mention, I love my job? Enough with that…on to the insanity…
We start with an apology from Steven for his outrageous behavior. Well I sure hope he doesn’t stop because his outrageous behavior is what is what I love about him.
Moving on…OHRS (Out Host Ryan Seahorse) starts with a call to his dad…aww how touching. Then JHO gets a kiss from her hubby and Steven says “You don’t kiss me like that.” Is it just me, or is Steven funnier than a cat in a pillow case?
He sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt. One of the best songs ever written and he smashes it out a da’ box. Heck yah!
JHO is toughening up and I like that and I think the DAWG is turning into our new Cowell. Now the next funny thing is OHRS getting injured on the hand from the belt buckle of John Wayne.
Then, OHRS meets his stalker. The funniest thing was that they played Lionel Ritchie’s song “Hello, Is It Me You’re Lookin’ For”. I can see it in your eyes, I can see it your smile…oh I but I digress. Ryan handles it like a champ and quickly files a restraining order. Then the stalker proceeds to do her impression of a chicken. Well I don’t know what in the f*ckery that hot mess was about, but judges liked it and put her through.
Jacqueline and Nick
This was the nice couple that met in choir. When she finds out he’s gay, she’s going to realize she wasted the best years of her life.
The 7’ Armadillo
Okay, I thought the stalker was bad, but what in the hot holy hell was this f*ckery?
Back to the Dawg
I think Randy gets quote of the year: “Is there a song called “Watch Me Leave?”
Okay, this contestant is told that he looks like Seth Rogan, but he doesn’t see it. Well, dude, you need corrective eyewear, because you look exactly like him. OHRS calls him “Fraggle Rock”, which is even funnier. Then he breaks out his “melodica”, which is like a mini organ/harmonica. Sorry, no gimmicks here…all stocked up. Judges put him through, but frankly he’s a one trick pony.
Sidebar: OHRS hugs all these nasty strangers, but then when Steven goes to give him a hug, he doesn’t return the favor. OHRS, you would rather hug germ infested strangers than the Demon of Screamin’? Although, I bet Steven has a nice case of the Mexican Herpee.
The Entertainment Capitol of the World – LA
Our judge Steven Tyler exits the limo smoking a Nepalese Temple Ball. Just kidding, I don’t even know what that is. He admitted to it when he was on Letterman. JFGI (Just F*ckin’ Google It). I like that he was wearing a little Aerosmith baby tee, kinda like the one I threw out 15 years ago.
She sounds so bad, like an animal being tortured. My man Steven makes me laugh out loud when he tells her she’s “Going to Siberia” and then he does a goat impression “It wasn’t that baaaaad.”
“Dawg this is not for you, you’re relatively tone deaf…really.” Well put Randy, well put. Isaac does his rendition of “Build me Up Buttercup.” Steven says “ you set the song on fire” and Randy says “you burned the song down man.” I am kinda likin’ this new Randy.
She arrived with her own microphone and sings a Frank song…really…don’t even go there. DAWG says “Why must we do this?” Did I mention how much I love Randy? He calls security…and…scene!
Lock it in Baby –Matt (Big Stats Sacha Fierce) Frankel Beefin’ Jerky
“Hmm…what I see I don’t like.” Did I mention how much I love Randy? Oh yea…paragraph above. Then our contestant says he needs to “lubricate”. Oh did I already use the phrase “what in the f*ckery?” DAWG calls him delusional, which I must agree, he’s as delusional as Camille Grammer. Then he calls the DAWG a douche bag, but something tells me this guy doesn’t even know what a douche is, much less a vagina.
“I don’t think you are ready for American Idol 2011, 12, or 13.” Did I mention how much I love Steven?
Da’ Mexican Bros- Mark and Aaron
Steven said it was “God Like.” Nothing more to say here. They were very good.
He’s from the back woods of Arkansas. He busts out into “I Feel Good” by James Brown. He thinks he’s going to get bit by a snake and he doesn’t know how old he is, but guesstimates around 59. He looks like the pimp in Florida from People of Wal-Mart (peopleofwalmart.com). He ends the audition by saying “How you like me?” Crickets chirping…The judges didn’t need to say a word. Then our contestant states that he’s better looking than any dog, chicken, giraffe, snake, cow, pig, hog, and a gee-raffe. (yes he said giraffe twice and the second time he said gee-raffe).
I will end my column with a reference to a quote from Johnny Macenroe “You cannot be serious.”