Hell fire, save matches, f*ck a duck, and see what hatches…tonight we are recapping the Milwaukee auditions where the mass crazies supplied us with plenty of entertainment. Some of the lowlights…
We start with Our Host Ryan Seacrusty (OHRS) with budding radio personality dude who says “I’m gonna kick this thing straight to the moon”. Well good luck with that Buzz Armstrong because I think you belong on planet “I’ve only got a face for radio”. Your three-speed back shaver awaits you back home.
We have another idiot singing Lady Gaga “Bad Romance”, but this time with karate moves! All he was missing was a rotting meat dress. Lady Gaga must be sitting at home right now in her Alexander McQueen’s going “OMG, sweet fancy Moses, what have I done!”
Civil War Re-Enactment Guy
Apparently he thinks he is recreating the civil war for his audition as he comes in with full civil war garb. Well it doesn’t take a Philadelphia lawyer to figure out that this guy is playin’ with Confederate money. Based on his commentary, he better get back home, wouldn’t want to be late for his date with Pamela Handerson.
Tiwan from Chicago sings “Twistin’ the Night Away” and gets through. Then one of his little relatives gets a Charlie horse from her glee over Taiwan and his Twistin’ and is practically falling into the strong, loving arms of OHRS. Then OHRS is massaging her leg, looking for the way out. Well guess what OHRS, there isn’t a panic button big enough to get you out of that hot mess!
Then we have the lovely Vernika. She tries to sing “Lovin’ You”. Something tells me I am about to hear something that I cannot un-hear. She’s terrible, and guess what, she’s madder than a wet hen that she sucks. She is so bad, she says “no” to herself. There’s a bike outside, it’s a Huff and she’s going to leave in it.
Annoying Green Bay Packer Fan Girl (a.k.a. – self imposed opera of a Justin Bieber song)
Okay, I am by no means a football fan, but given the last game and long time rivalry, I am guessing most of us were thoroughly annoyed by the Packer girl. Then when she opens her mouth to sing, she goes into this opera trance, kinda like when a baby is taking a dump in its diaper, she enters into a “brown study”. Once my ears stopped bleeding, I hear her say that the Packers will be “super bowl winners” and the Dawg said “hmmm…don’t know about that.” Haha…eat it opera Bieber girl.
She reminds me a bit of Amy Wineho, kinda dirty looking, with her brokedown weave, like she might have a case of the Mexican herpee. She sings “Come Together” (which Aerosmith covered ‘back in da’ day’) and then they ask her to sing an Aerosmith song and she picks “Dream On”, but she can’t sing the end so Steven will finish it for her. Well, can we say….awkward???? It was weird, made me feel kinda funny, like when I had to climb the rope in gym class.
Next stop, Nashville, Good lookin’ out!